Romance of an Unusual Sort
by turtleducklings
Summary: Adventure! Love! Explosions! Fruitcake! Vampires! Justin Bieber! Madge with an axe! This is no ordinary fluff romance, I assure you...
1. Part I

romance of an unusual sort.

** katniss **&** peeta **&** gale **&** madge**

(_ utter fluff and pure ridiculousness_ )

:: dedicated to BlackTypeOnAPage & BandiniNordstorm, because they are epic and they make my parodies epic. ::

disclaimer: not mine.

* * *

Katniss turned over in her sleep. Peeta smiled as he heard her sigh contentedly. He reached out and played with the small ring on her left hand. Katniss stirred and opened her eyes sleepily.

"Hey," Peeta said, leaning down to give her a peck on the lips.

"Hi," Katniss replied, smiling as she closed her eyes again and sank further into the pillows. Peeta settled back down next to her, wrapping his arms around her waist.

Everything was peaceful and happy, until...

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Katniss and Peeta sat bolt upright in bed.

"What was that?" Katniss asked, jumping out of bed and walking to the door.

"I don't know," Peeta said, following suit. They rushed to the front door and opened it to find -

"_Gale_?" Katniss asked incredulously.

Peeta snickered.

Gale looked up at the couple. His eyes were red and swollen from crying, and it looked as though he had put on a few pounds since Katniss had seen him last. "K-Katniss?"

"What are you doing here?" Katniss asked.

He looked at her. He opened his mouth and wailed, "_Why didn't you choose me_?"

Katniss looked at Peeta, who looked as though he was trying not to roll around the floor with laughter.

"Because I love Peeta, not you," Katniss said simply.

"_But why_?" Gale screamed.

"Because you're a loser," Peeta snorted.

Gale cried harder.

"Peeta!" Katniss chided.

Peeta shrugged. "I was just telling the truth. I can't be nice _all_ the time, you know..."

Katniss looked back at Gale. "Gale, I'm married now... you should find somebody else. How about Madge?"

Gale cried even harder. "_No_!"

"Why?" Katniss asked him, kneeling down next to him. She spoke to him like she would an upset child. Which was exactly how Gale was acting, currently.

"_Because she doesn't smell like you_!"

"Wait a minute... what does Katniss smell like?" Peeta asked, stepping forward and kneeling next to Katniss.

"_Katniss smells like water and Cheez Its!_"

"Wait... I smell like _what_?" Katniss questioned.

Gale ignored her, still sobbing. "_And Madge smells like... like... fruitcake! And that stuff is disgusting_!"

Peeta snorted. Katniss sent him another hard look. "What?" he asked. "It is."

Katniss rolled her eyes and looked back at Gale. "Gale, try to see sense-"

Katniss was cut off by a loud booming. She and Peeta stood up abruptly, forgetting for a moment about the blubbering Gale still sitting on their doorstep. The booming continued. It sounded like an array of large bass drums and trumpets.

Katniss narrowed her eyes, searching the tree line. Peeta put his hand on her shoulder. Gale sniffled.

Then, _they_ were there...

The vampires.

Katniss gasped. Peeta gasped. Gale gasped.

"Wait a second..." Peeta said. "What are _they_ doing here? They belong in crappy books! With sappy and unrealistic romance!"

Katniss nodded. "They've come to..." she shuddered. "Change us."

Gale sank to his knees, the tears coming again. "_No_!"

Madge appeared from nowhere. "C'mon! We have to fight!" Peeta walked over, put his face close to Madge's, and inhaled.

"I don't think you smell like fruitcake."

"_What_?" Madge asked.

"Never mind, we have to kill these vampires!" Katniss said. "Quick! What do we kill them with?"

Peeta put a hand to his chin. "I'm thinking..."

Gale looked up from the floor. His face was still tear-strained, but now there was a determined look in his eyes. "I say we use _To Kill a Mockingbird_."

Peeta laughed out loud.

Katniss raised a hand to shush him. "Why, Gale?"

"Oh, please," Peeta said. "Don't tell me you're actually considering this."

Madge stamped her foot. "Can we hurry?" She pulled out a massive battle axe. "I'm gonna go try this. Catch up with me whenever you're ready. KEEEYAAAHH!" She yelled as she raced away, swinging the axe above her head.

Katniss turned back to Gale.

"Well," he said quietly. "I think that since they are used to being exposed to horrible literature... that an actual good book might kill them."

"That's stupid!" Peeta exclaimed. "I say we use Justin Beiber music."

"No!" Gale shouted.

"Yes!"

"Boys, boys!" Katniss yelled. She sighed. _Guys can be such idiots._

Peeta was thinking, _Girls can be such idiots._

Gale was thinking,_ Fruitcakes were invented by idiots._

"Look," Katniss said, "we can try both of your ideas. Now, I am going to do something totally out of character, and make a solid decision." She drew a large breath. "We are going try Peeta's idea first and -" She held up her hand as Gale was about to protest. "-After, if it doesn't work out, we can try Gale's idea."

She looked at the two faces. Both seemed content.

"Okay."

Just then, the house behind them blew up. The explosion tore up their clothes perfectly, to look ragged, but not _too_ ragged. The flames from the explosion shot unrealistically into the sky, turning bright orange. Katniss stood in front of the two boys, gave a dangerous look to an imaginary camera, and said "Let's go."

Then she stomped off the porch, looking all dirty and yet heroic at the same time.


	2. Part the Second

romance of an unusual sort.

** katniss **&** peeta **&** gale **&** madge**

(_ utter fluff and pure ridiculousness_ )

:: dedicated to BlackTypeOnAPage & BandiniNordstorm, because they are epic and they make my parodies epic. ::

disclaimer: not mine.

* * *

Katniss, Peeta, and Gale all rushed into the forest, where the fight had retreated. The cut through the trees, jumping and back-flipping over fallen trees and large boulders quickly and unrealistically.

The emerged from the dense foliage into a small clearing, where Madge and the vampires were fighting ferociously. Madge was swinging her enormous battle axe over her head, always just missing the vampires. They were laughing and taunting her as she missed one yet again. "UGH!" she yelled in frustration.

"Madge!" Gale called. He beckoned her over with his hand. She shook her head.

"If I go over their there'll be no one to hold off these guys!" she shouted as she swung (and missed) again.

"It's okay!" Katniss yelled, "The main character never dies! They won't come after us!" Katniss paused and thought this through for a moment. "Well... they won't come after _me_, anyway."

Peeta slapped himself on the forehead.

Gale eyes widened as Katniss said this. "_DON'T COME OVER HERE, MADGE! DON'T! COME! OVER!"_

Madge stopped swinging her axe to look at Gale and say, "Well, now that you don't want me to come over there... I kind of want to."

"_NO! PLEASE DON'T!"_

Madge started walking over.

All of a sudden, time seemed to slow down. Gale watched in slow motion as Madge walked over to them in slow motion and something came rocketing out of the woods to knock slow motion Madge over in slow motion.

This all happened in slow motion.

"What are you _doing_?" Madge choked after time went back to normal.

"I'm stopping you from killing yourself and them!"

Madge gasped. "_Effie_? What are _you _doing here?"

Effie stood up, the wind whistling through her hair dramatically as she put one foot on Madge and placed her hands on her hips. "I'm being... the _hero_."

DUN DUN DUN!

Peeta and Gale began laughing uncontrollably.

"Effie... save... hero... pink hair... HA HA HA..."

Effie was very offended. "I am very offended!" she said huffily.

Katniss ignored them and looked at the vampires, who were now huddled in a circle on the other side of the clearing. The vampire in the middle was holding up a book and reading out loud.

"It was seventy five degrees in Phoenix, the sky a perfect, cloudless blue. I was wearing my favorite shirt - sleeve-less, white eyelet lace; I was wearing it as a farewell gesture. My carry-on item was a parka."

"What are they reading?" Madge asked as she stood up, knocking Effie over in the process (her leg had still been perched on Madge's torso).

"To answer your question," the one in the middle had paused in her narration, "We are reading _Twilight_. And so far-" she looked down to check where she was, "-it is ridiculous. We're not nearly fifteen chapters in and Stephanie Meyer's description of vampires is so far off it's offensive."

"Wasn't what she was reading a few seconds ago the beginning line?" Gale whispered to Peeta. Peeta shrugged.

"They must read fast," he whispered back.

"This book is not a challenge to read. We'll have finished the entire series before the hour is out at the rate we're going."

"And they have really good hearing, too," Gale noted.

"As we were saying," a short Asian vampire piped up, "her portrayal of vampires is completely inaccurate. I mean... we don't _sparkle_."

"That's a relief," Madge said.

"We _shine_." All of them stepped into the sunlight. It appeared as though their skin had caught on fire. They shone like the sun, blinding the small group of humans.

Cinna randomly jumped out of the tree behind them. "Hey! I used vampire skin for one of Katniss' dresses before!" Then he bowed and climbed back up the tree like a squirrel.

"Uh..." Katniss said. She was at a loss for words. "I'm at a loss for words."

"Guys, _shouldn't we be vanquishing them by now_?" Peeta said pointedly.

"Effie thinks that we should, and that you guys should let her do the vanquishing."

They all gave Effie strange looks.

"Hehe... sometimes I talk in third person for no reason," she said, shrugging.

"Ooooh..." they all said in unison.

"Let's do it!" Peeta said. "Haymitch!" he called.

Haymitch materialized next to President Snow in the Capitol. "Oops!" he said. He concentrated and appeared next to Peeta a moment later.

"Hi! I'm not drunk!"

"Uh... that's good, Haymitch. Now, do you have our _secret weapon_?"

Haymitch nodded fiercely. "Oh, yes, I _do_ have the secret weapon."

"Alright!" Katniss said. "Let 'er loose!"

Haymitch opened his mouth and sang:

"And I'm like

Baby, baby, baby, ooh

Like

Baby, baby, baby, no

Like

Baby, baby, baby ohh

I thought you'd always be mine, mine

Baby, baby, baby ooh

Like

Baby, baby, baby no

Like

Baby, baby, baby ooh

I thought you'd always be mine, mine

Oh, oh!"

The group looked expectantly at the vampires. They were deeply immersed in _Breaking Dawn_.

"OMG, Bella's _pregnant_!" the short Asian one from before squealed.

"Aww, my idea didn't work..." Peeta said dejectedly. "I thought for sure Justin Bieber would kill them."

"I did too, Peeta... I did too," Madge said sympathetically, patting him on the shoulder.

Gale was doing the running man behind them all. "We get to use my idea, we get to use my idea," he sang.

He stopped and walked back over to them, looking expectantly at Katniss. "Well?"

Madge shouldered her axe, Effie put her hands on her hips, Peeta grabbed Katniss' hand, Haymitch folded his arms, and Gale backed up to set the camera on timer. He rushed back into the group and raised his fist in the air. "Hold the pose!" he yelled.

The camera took the picture and the group visibly relaxed.

Before they left to try Gale's idea, Gale rushed over to Katniss and grabbed her arm. "Katniss, wait... before we go through with this... I just want you to know... I'm still in love with you." Then he yanked on her arm and pulled her into a kiss.

Katniss pulled back slowly and said, "I know... you were crying on my porch an hour ago, asking why I didn't pick you." Gale let go of her and sniffled.

"Ha ha, he's crying again!" Peeta said triumphantly. "That's what you get for kissing my wife!"


	3. Part Three

romance of an unusual sort.

** katniss **&** peeta **&** gale **&** madge**

(_ utter fluff and pure ridiculousness_ )

:: dedicated to BlackTypeOnAPage & BandiniNordstorm, because they are epic and they make my parodies epic. ::

disclaimer: not mine.

* * *

The group gathered together in a circle, leaning in, speaking in hushed tones. "Psst psh pss psht..." Gale whispered.

"What?" Katniss whispered back.

Gale sighed. "_I said_, psst psh pss psht."

Now Peeta looked confused. "What was that?"

Madge rolled her eyes and said in an exasperated tone of voice, "Gosh, can't you guys speak whisper-tongue? He said, 'Alright, here's what we're going to do. Peeta needs to distract them, you know, get them to stop reading their book. Haymitch is going to disappear and come back with a copy of _To Kill a Mockingbird_ while Peeta gets their attention. Then Madge and I are going to take it and take turns reading. To get the full effect, we're going to have to do all the different voices and everything.'"

Haymitch was nodding fiercely, but Katniss raised an eyebrow. "All of that from four whispering noises?" She asked, skeptical. "How is that possible?"

Gale put a hand to his forehead, rubbing his temples, giving off the appearance of annoyance. "Uh, _duh_, each word in whisper-tongue represents multiple words in the English language."

Effie raised her hand. Madge looked around the group and said, "Hm, who should I pick... Katniss, Peeta, Gale, Haymitch, uh... how about... _you_?" She pointed to Darius, who was sitting patiently behind Effie, his hand raised. He stood up (he had been sitting in his desk this whole time) and began to do a sort of dance. He waved his arms around, making complex motions with his hands, jumping up and down, and making various weird facial expressions.

"Oh, that's right, I forgot you're an Avox..." Madge said. "Alright, let's see if I can translate... okay... something about me... and... the Arctic? No, fire... bombs... a house collapsing... _my_ house collapsing... I'm buried underneath..." she stopped speaking and froze. "Wait a minute... _I'm dead!_" She exclaimed, and then she disappeared with a _pop!_

The four remaining (not including Darius) stood stock-still. "... What just happened?" Gale asked dreamily.

"I... I don't know..." Peeta said. He sniffed. "It smells kind of like... like fruitcake..."

Gale stuck his tongue out. "Fruitcake is for _losers_."

Katniss shook her head. "Okay, guys, I think I know what happened. Suzanne Collins got it into her head that she'd lead tons of fangirls on about Gale and Madge being together, then she decided that she'd crush their hopes, dreams, and fantasies and just kill Madge off in one sentence. That's why she disappeared."

"Oh... but why didn't Madge disappear before?" Haymitch asked.

"I don't know. Do you think it has something to do with..." she looked around before whispering, "_The writer_?"

The group gasped.

"Nope, that's not it. I think there was just a glitch of some sort," Effie said.

"Oh. 'Kay." Katniss nodded and turned to Darius. "What are you still doing here?" Darius shrugged. "Oh, okay. Well, you can keep lookout, sound good? We need to make sure this operation goes smoothly. We can't afford any more distractions." Darius nodded and scurried off to the outskirts of the clearing. "Now," Katniss continued, "since Madge, er, disappeared, I'm going to read the book with Gale."

Everyone nodded.

"Alright, let's get cracking," Gale said. He pointed to Peeta. "Go distract them." He pointed to Haymitch. "Go grab the book." He pointed to Katniss. "Go be ready to read the book out loud with me." He pointed to Effie. "Go... um... just... go."

Effie nodded and spun until she disappeared.

Peeta snuck up behind the vampires. He tapped the one who was reading on the shoulder. "Hey."

She sighed angrily and turned around, sticking her face near Peeta's. "_What_?"

Peeta gasped and pulled back. "Um, _excuseme_, but did I invite you to my BBQ? _Because you're all up in my grill_."

The vampires looked confused. "What are you talking about?" The short, Asian one asked.

"What's a BBQ?" One vampire whispered to another.

"You're in my personal bubble? You're breathing my air? You're... ugh... never mind," Peeta sighed.

The short, Asian vampire (her name was Doodeebaba) looked annoyed. "Um... whatever." She turned back to the her friends. "Anyway, as I was saying..."

She went back to reading. Peeta looked at Katniss and mouthed the word _help_. She shrugged, then shushed Gale, who was rolling on the floor laughing. "You... you couldn't... HAHA... stop them..."

"Gale! Stop," Katniss ordered.

Gale abruptly stopped laughing and stood up. He took Katniss' hand, stared deep into her eyes and said, "Anything for you, my love."

Katniss blushed. "Aw..."

Peeta stalked over and slapped Gale. Gale gasped. "Oh no you di'int!" Then he reached forward and yanked on Peeta's blonde hair.

Peeta tackled him and they started clawing and scratching and pulling each other's hair.

Katniss sighed. "Sigh. Boys. Can't live with them. Can't keep them from fighting over gorgeous women." She flipped her hair and walked to the edge of the clearing to wait for the others to reappear.


End file.
